Working Mom vs. Good Mom (Spoiler: You Can Be Both)
I saw a post the other day that said, “Daycare is raising your kids if you’re a working mom.”
Honestly? My stomach dropped. My face flushed. My jaw clenched. I’m a working mom, not because I don’t love my kids or need a “break,” but because I want a life that includes them and includes me.
The False Choice
Somewhere along the way, we started treating “working” and “good” like they can’t belong in the same sentence. As if showing up for a job means showing up less at home or as if earning a paycheck cancels out bedtime snuggles. We’re told we have to pick one: career or kids, ambition or love. And no matter what we choose, someone’s ready to say it’s wrong.
When I drop my kids at daycare, they’re not being “raised” by someone else, they’re being loved by someone else, too. They’re learning patience, sharing, and independence. That’s not abandonment; that’s community. That’s the village we all talk about but rarely allow ourselves to accept.
The Guilt That Follows Us
Even when I know this, guilt still shows up like clockwork. It whispers on Monday mornings when my youngest asks why I have to go. It stings when another mom says, “I could never let someone else raise my baby.” It lingers when I miss pickup because a meeting ran long or I’m too tired to cook dinner.
Guilt says, you should be doing more. Shame says, you’re failing because you’re not home. And both lie.
As a therapist, I know guilt can be useful, it reminds us what we value: connection, presence, love. But shame? Shame keeps us small. It tells us that who we are is not enough. We see it in captions like “They’re only little once,” or in quiet comparisons as we scroll through someone else’s highlight reel.
The truth is, guilt comes from caring. Shame comes from the lie that there’s only one “right” way to love your kids.
A Story I Still Remember
When I went back to work, we were lucky to have a family friend, our “Nana,” watch my girls. She and her husband love them like their own. They are deeply loved and well cared for. That didn’t stop me from crying in the driveway for a week after drop-off. It started all over again when daycare began, and again when kindergarten hit.
I remember sitting in my car, chest aching, baby shampoo still on my shirt, wondering how other parents looked so steady while I was falling apart. Was I selfish? Would she still know how loved she was?
Then I watched her run toward Nana and her teachers with excitement, singing new songs, signing “more” at snack time, making friends and realized this wasn’t a choice between being there for them or working. It was an expansion of their world and mine. They weren’t losing me, they were gaining more people to love them while I was finding pieces of myself I thought I’d lost.
Purpose Isn’t Selfish
Having purpose outside motherhood doesn’t mean I’m running away from my family, it means I’m bringing more of myself to them. When I work, I get to use my brain, help people, and have conversations that don’t involve snack negotiations. I come home tired, yes, but also proud, grounded, and a little more me.
My kids benefit from that. They get a mom who knows who she is, not one quietly disappearing behind the title. They get to see that women can love fiercely and lead boldly.
And I believe there’s deep purpose in staying home, too. That work is holy and hard and deserves celebration just as much as those moms who go to work. Both deserve love and grace, not comparison.
Real Talk: Sometimes I Like Going to Work
It’s not because I don’t love my kids, it’s because I’m touched out and crave a stretch of silence. I like my coffee hot. I like completing a thought without a snack request. Those reprieves don’t mean I want to be away forever. They mean I’m human.
And this isn’t just about moms. Dads feel it too, the pressure to provide, to stay strong, to miss moments they wish they didn’t. And parents doing it solo? Hot damn, you carry it all; the emotional, financial, and logistical load. You deserve more credit than words can give.
For many families, working isn’t about “choosing purpose.” It’s about making it, doing what’s needed to keep the lights on and still finding joy where you can.
The Mental Load Doesn’t Clock Out
Working or not, the mental load follows us everywhere. The grocery list running in our heads during meetings. The “spirit day” reminder that pops up while we’re halfway through a client call. The emotional labor of noticing everyone’s moods and anticipating everyone’s needs. It’s the invisible work that no one sees but everyone depends on. No one gets to opt out of it , it just takes different forms. The stay-at-home parent manages the constant sensory overload and lack of adult time. The working parent juggles guilt, scheduling chaos, and trying to be in two places at once.
Neither version is easy. Both require sacrifice. Instead of judging each other, maybe we could admit that we’re all carrying something heavy and unseen.
Skills for When Guilt Shows Up
When the guilt hits, because it will, here are a few grounding reminders I’ve learned (and still practice):
Name what’s true.
“I love my kids and I love my work.” Two truths can exist at once.Reframe guilt as information.
Instead of “I’m a bad mom for missing bedtime,” try “I miss my kids and connection matters to me.”
Then find one small way to reconnect; a bedtime FaceTime, a morning cuddle, a note in their lunchbox.Practice self-compassion over comparison.
Notice the stories your brain tells when you scroll social media: “She’s doing it better.”
Then pause and remind yourself: Different doesn’t mean better. It means different.Redefine what “good” means.
A good parent isn’t one who never leaves. It’s one who loves, teaches, and repairs when things get messy.Lean into your village.
Let other people love your kids. Let your kids love other people. That’s not a threat; it’s a blessing.
When guilt feels especially loud, I try to remind myself of this: my presence matters more than my perfection. My kids don’t need me to be there every moment; they need to know I’ll come back. They need to know I love them deeply, even when I’m not the one tying their shoes or handing them their snack that day.
The Bridge, Not the Battle
None of us are winning awards for how we juggle the impossible expectations of parenthood. Whether we stay home or work outside it, we’re all doing invisible, vital work. Maybe real strength comes from seeing each other instead of competing.
Because when we stop asking, “Who’s doing it right?” we can finally say, “We’re all doing it.” Working parents, stay-at-home parents, single parents, we’re all just trying to raise good humans while remembering we’re human, too.
What I Keep Coming Back To
I am a working mom, and I am a good mom. My kids know they’re loved not just because I’m with them, but because I show them what love looks like when it includes self-respect, purpose, and community. Daycare isn’t raising my kids. It’s helping me raise humans who know they’re part of a village.
We need to stop shaming parents for how we show up and start celebrating that we keep showing up at all. Because at the end of the day, we’re not working moms or stay-at-home moms; we’re people who love our kids deeply and are trying to make a life that works.
And we’re good ones.