Plot Twist: I’m the Messy One
I saw a TikTok where someone joked that in their friend group, the wives were complaining about their husbands. “He doesn’t cook, doesn’t do dishes, doesn’t fold laundry, he is so messy…” To their faces she says, “Girl, no way, that’s terrible.” But in her head, as she walks away, she’s thinking, “Omg, I’m the husband.”
I’ve never related more. According to those women, I’d be the husband. Or in my case…the messy one.
I’m not the one scrubbing dishes or folding endless laundry (thank you, hubs 🙌). I’m juggling school emails, kid registrations, calendars, and the invisible load of who needs what, when. He’s the one keeping the house on the “clean” side of messy and making sure we are all fed while I’m corralling the wilds.
This was even in our wedding vows. He promised: “I’ll never make you do dishes, especially on spaghetti night.” I promised back: “I’ll make sure I’m not hungry before we argue.” Nine years later, both still hold true. He scrubs the spaghetti pot that looks like a crime scene, and I don’t pick fights when I’m hangry.
And it’s not just dishes. He resets the house when chaos takes over, keeps the kitchen from tipping into disaster, and even tidies my coffee-cup-covered desk without complaint (at least not often). I’m the one handling spirit-day emails, doctors appointments, permission slips, and birthday RSVPs. Different roles, but both invisible in their own way, and both essential for keeping our family moving forward.
Our division of labor looks different, but it works, and it didn’t happen by accident.
The Mental Load in Real Life
Researchers call it cognitive or emotional labor. I call it the “chaos cloud.”” The mental load looks different in every home. Sometimes it’s school schedules and activities, sometimes it’s groceries, bills, or house resets. What makes it tricky is that it’s invisible; it doesn’t show up in a sink full of dishes or a pile of laundry, but it still takes up real space in our brains. It’s the constant awareness of what needs to be done, like noticing the shoes that don’t fit before your kid complains, remembering the birthday gift for yet another party, or knowing exactly how many berries to buy. Not glamorous, but very real.
Carrying that much unseen weight is exhausting. It doesn’t just live on a to-do list, it shows up in our moods, our relationships, and even our bodies. For me, it can look like being snappy, withdrawn, or lying awake at night running through mental checklists. For others, it might come out as rage, resentment, or just feeling constantly drained. The mental load has a way of leaking into everything if we don’t acknowledge it and share it.
On top of groceries, bills, and calendars, we’re both balancing careers. Work is part of the load too. Our careers give us more than income, they give us an identity outside of “mom” and “dad.” Holding space for both the jobs we do at home and the ones we do at work is what keeps this messy balance afloat.
Even with a division that works for us, the balance shifts fast. A busy work season, a kiddo’s new needs, or just life’s curveballs can make things lopsided overnight. That’s why naming and sharing the mental load matters and why check-ins are our reset button.
Why Check-Ins Matter
We’ve had plenty of conversations, sometimes messy and uncomfortable, about fairness, responsibilities, and how to keep resentment from building. We call them check-ins and I’m sure my husband sometimes wishes I were a little less honest during them. But that honesty is the point.
We use these moments to talk about where we need support, how things are going, and to check in not just on chores, but on our relationship, our connection, and our household as a whole. They’re our way of shifting from “me vs. you” into “what do we need right now?”
Think of this as the cliff notes: why check-ins matter and how to make them less awkward.
Set bottom lines. Everyone has a “please don’t make me do this” task. Maybe it’s dishes, maybe it’s laundry, maybe it’s paying bills. Naming these removes the guesswork and keeps resentment from building quietly in the background.
Reduce resentment. When one person quietly carries too much, it leaks out sideways. A check-in gives space to name it before it blows up. It can sound like: “Mornings have felt rough this week—would you be able to take drop-off tomorrow?” Not a scorecard, just asking for help.
Give both people a voice. Check-ins aren’t just about chores, they’re about capacity. Sometimes the heavy load is work deadlines, sometimes it’s the mental clutter of remembering everything for the kids. Asking, “What feels heavy for you this week?” makes space for both partners to be heard.
Make time for connection. Be intentional. This isn’t always a date night or trip away. Sometimes that looks like scrolling side by side, five minutes to talk uninterrupted, holding hands, or watching a show. Those little moments of choosing each other build connection, and strong connection makes the hard conversations easier.
We are not perfect at this. At all. We only started doing check-ins in the last year. Before, we’d quip at each other, make passive-aggressive comments, or let resentment build until it spilled. Even now, I still make snide comments, and he still gets huffy from time to time. But practicing this, even imperfectly, has made all the difference in us managing the chaos together.
The Bottom Line
The other day my husband looked at my desk with three coffee cups, two water bottles, snack wrappers, and sticky notes galore. He grinned and sighed while he said, “You really are the messy one.” He’s right, I am.
We’re not perfect. Sometimes we do slip into keeping score, who’s done more, who’s more tired, but we try not to stay there. Some days he carries more, some days I do. None of us can show up at 100% all the time, so we lean on each other when we need to. That’s the beauty of our system: while he’s tackling the mess I leave behind, I’m juggling the kids’ schedules. Both roles matter. Both are work. And both are love in action.
So yeah, I’m the messy one. And that works for us. 💛
Cheering you on through the chaos,
Katelyn – Messy but Managed
If you want the little stories, reflections, or tips that don’t make it to the blog, you’ll find them on Instagram → @messybutmanaged
✨ Messy but Managed is more fun when it’s a conversation. Tell me, what part of this post resonated with you? Drop a comment below so we can swap stories and remind each other we’re not alone in the chaos. 💬
